My eyes were fixed on my iPhone’s screen, hands clutched onto it tight as I waited anxiously for Lou’s reply. I was not going to waste time just sitting around knowing that Zayn was on his way to end his career, end his dreams, and end this amazing life he built with the boys just to be with me. Although there was no way that I would admit even to my own self that there was a part of me that did want him to give it all up so I could have him, I knew that an endless guilt would grow inside of me like a parasite - a bug I was not willing to live with.
I didn’t have a plan, I was simply going with my instinct hoping whatever the outcome that was on the horizon of the day was going to be for the best. I was letting fate take the wheel today and I prayed for only my heart to be the one that was going to be broken.
“Ugh c’mon Lou!” I whined, extending my arm out with my iPhone in my hand thinking it would magically make Lou’s reply receive quicker,
The vibration and sound alert quickened my heart rate as I shot up from my chair nervously unlocking my screen and opening up the new text message.
“Yes!” I squealed, relieved that Lou’s name popped up,
I read the text quickly and made sure I memorised the address letter by letter, number by number as I wrote it down on a piece of paper and dialled in the number for a taxi soon after. Before I hit the green button to make the call, my phone began to ring.
I slid my shaking, nervous finger across the screen to answer, “Hello?!” I panicked searching for my shoes around Zayn’s apartment,
“Holly!” the other end chimed,
I’d recognised that voice any day, “Emily! Babe, hi!” I smiled, checking behind the couch this time,
“How are you??” she asked quickly,
I could tell immediately that she wasn’t really interested in how I actually was. It was one of those moments where you ask a friend something about their self so you don’t feel bad that as soon as they reply, it means you could base the whole conversation solely about you for the next 20 minutes at least.
My face lit up as I finally spotted my shoes, “Ummm,” I mumbled distractedly, “Not that great actually..” holding the phone between my ear and shoulder as I shoved on my shoes, “How are you?”
“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I could hear her grip the phone tighter on her end as her tone had changed to a deep concern,
I stumbled to the door, flinging it open, too out of touch to continue on with this conversation. Time was running out and I had no time to have a chat on the phone. I quickly locked the door to Zayn’s apartment holding my phone by my side and ran to the elevator, impatiently pressing the button continuously and jumped straight in as the doors slowly opened for me. I frowned hearing the slight murmurs of a voice and looked down at my hand realising I had kept Emily waiting on the other end.
“Shit!” I cursed pulling the phone quickly to my ear, “Sorry Em! I really can’t talk right now!”
“What?” she groaned, “But I’ve got something big to tell you!”
At this very moment nothing could have been as big as what Zayn was about to do, so I set my priorities without any hesistation, putting him and the boys first.
“I’m so sorry! Can this wait?” I asked feeling guilty as ever,
“Are you serious?” she spat, “No it can’t!”
The door of the elevator opened and I rushed outside as my feet noisily shuffled through the gravel. With luck on my side I was greeted by my awaiting taxi.
“Hello?????” Emily whined, “An answer would be nice!”
I stood outside the door of the taxi pausing for a second with my hand on the handle, “I’m so so so sorry, tell me later okay! There is something incredibly important I have to do and I just have no time right now! I’m sorry!!” I apologised hoping she wouldn’t hold a grudge against me,
She sighed, “You’re lucky I’m in a good mood.. But you’re going to regret not hearing it today!”
I let out a laugh as I sat myself down into the passenger seat of the taxi, “Which makes it even more exciting for the next time I speak to you!” I smiled at the driver handing him the piece of paper with the address on it, “I’ve got to go! Bye! Love you!”
She sighed again, “Okay. Bye.”
I bit my lip staring at my screen, watching it exit out of my call with Emily feeling more than guilty at this rate. But I really didn’t have any time.
“Ready miss?” the taxi driver’s thick British accent asked, startling me,
“Oh,” I turned to him and nodded, “Yes.”
As I checked the time as if almost on cue, my heart picked up its pace quickly immediately after. The more each second escaped me, the more daunting it was just sitting there buckled to the passenger seat. But this was all I could do for now. Sit and hope I got to the studios in time.
I turned my head to the driver gripping the edge of my seat out of nerves, “Please go as fast as you can,” I urged, “Please.”
He frowned as he stared at the road, “Erm..” giving me a quick glance noticing the desperation in my eyes, “I’ll try my best.”
And with that he stepped on the accelerator hard, flinging me forward in my seat as the speed of the car quickly changed and picked up.
“Thank you so much!” I smiled, grabbing every note of money I had in my wallet and placing it in the driver’s hand,
He flashed a toothy grin and nodded as he counted the money. I did not hesitate to waste any more time. I leaped out of the taxi and sprinted fast towards the doors of the studios then pushed them wide open, my eyes darting around the room searching for my next move. I had tagged along with the boys to these studios many times before so not only did I know how to get my way around, but also my way around security and the cameras that were hidden around the building too small to detect.
I made a few turns trying to make myself as invisible as possible and searched around looking for the familiar door I had been through at least ten times, retracing the steps in my mind hoping it were to refresh my memory. My heart practically leaped out of my chest as I spotted that big black door with the golden door knob at the end of the long corridor, the door I was looking for. My arms swayed helplessly along my sides as I ran towards it feeling sick to my stomach as nervous jitters and butterflies swiftly took over my insides.
I threw myself at the door and flung it open trying to catch my breath, leaning against it with my hand on my forehead, “WAIT!!!!!” I screeched gaining my breath back, “STOP! PLEASE!”
Each of the boys’ heads quickly turned around to see me huffing at the door with faces reflecting nothing but pure confusion as they broke from what looked like a typical One Direction group hug.
“Holly?” Zayn asked curiously stepping forward,
I spotted Paul in the corner frowning and pursed my lips together as I walked further into the room, breathing heavily, suddenly losing my breath again.
“What are you doing here?” he asked turning around to the boys then staring back at me,
From only looking into his eyes for merely a second I could tell that he had been crying. Was I too late?
“Zayn,” I cried as my eyes drooped, hands slapping against my thighs, “I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life.”
“What?” Lou blurted joining Zayn by his side, the boys now following suit,
“I’m not letting Zayn leave you guys, I just won’t! You all know it’s not right!” as the words left my mouth I could already feel the emotions swirling inside of me and I knew it wasn’t long now till I was going to need to fight off tears,
“Wait, you don’t want him to come with you?” Lou asked looking at Zayn then at me, “We thought you wanted him to come with you?”
“What!” my voice now unintentionally raising, “No! I could never live with myself knowing I was the reason he left the band.”
Lou sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and looked to his right as the rest of the boys all stared back at him.
I took the silence as a signal to go on, “Zayn please listen to me,” I stepped forward taking his hand, “You can’t do this. If you come with me, I promise you’ll regret it.”
He let out an unexpected laugh, “That’s a ridiculous promise, Holly..” he raised his eyebrows, grabbing my other hand and lifted his own so that he was now the one domineering between our hold, “You really don’t understand how much I need to be with you do you?”
Lost for words, my unplanned trip to the studios in attempt to save the band wasn’t running as smoothly as I had hoped. Trying to change the mind of the stubborn, and I knew this first hand, was impossible, but with that said there was no way I was going to give up today.
“Besides..” he interrupted, “you’re too late anyway..”
My eyebrows immediately furrowed and I let go of his hands as the feeling in my chest felt like my whole entire insides had sunk.
“Too late? Too late?! What do you mean too late Zayn????” I cried putting my hand over my mouth,
“We’re ending One Direction, Hols.” Lou announced clearly forcing a smile,
“We all agree that it’s time to move on, it’s for the best.” Liam nodded,
My heart had clenched as the news brought a new wave of emotion that was crashing inside of me, mixing hurt with anger, “DID YOU ALL TRIP OVER AND HIT YOUR HEAD ON A MASSIVE ROCK OR SOMETHING? ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY? YOU BOYS HAVE MADE A LOT OF STUPID DECISIONS BUT THIS BY FAR IS THE MOST STUPIDEST!” I screamed not being able to believe what actually was happening,
“No,” Niall spoke softly as his blue eyes locked with mine, “It might just be the best decision. I mean, maybe this is just the way it’s meant to turn out. You came into Zayn’s, well all of our lives for that matter, for a reason and maybe this is it. As much as we love our job… we’re tired Holly. We’re so very tired. We need a break.”
The tears were now welling up in between my eyelids as my vision was quick to appear blurry. I furiously wiped away my wet eyes not wanting to accept that this was what they really wanted, that ending One Direction was what was best for them.
“You can’t do this!” I shouted as more tears escaped from my eyes, “What about your fans?!” I grabbed Zayn’s head and held it in my hands as I looked deep into his own, “You don’t need to come back with me Zayn.. If we’re meant to be together, fate will find us a way.”
Zayn closed his eyes and opened them again showing the pain he felt inside, “Don’t you see what I’m doing? I’m taking fate into my own hands. I don’t want to wait around wondering every second of my life of when you’ll be back in my life again knowing I could of done something to keep us together. I’m sorry but I just can’t do that!”
I released my hands from his cheeks and ran my fingers through my hair sobbing for a moment then looked back at him, “Zayn this is your life, you need to stay here. You don’t need to be afraid that you’ll lose me. I promise you no matter what happens or where we are in this world, whether we’re by each other’s side or thousands and thousands of miles away, I am always going to be in love with you and you will never ever lose me. We’ll find a way to be together, I promise.”
He paused not once looking away from me as his thoughts were now circulating throughout his mind. I bit my lip feeling like I had finally gotten through to him as his silence extended for a long 2 minutes now, and this nightmare of a stupid decision was going to be swept to the side and would no longer be considered ever again.
His mouth finally opened and my heart began to race with suspense, awaiting those relieving words that he was going to stay here, where he belonged.
“I can’t..” he sighed, “I can’t live knowing that you’re on the other side of the world from me. I can’t live knowing I can’t just drop by to watch a movie with you or to hold you,” he frowned as he shook his head clearly fighting off the tears urging to pour out, “or to kiss you. I can’t do that.”
I slapped my hand across my forehead and closed my eyes, feeling completely run down as the words I was confident I was going to hear, were not heard. All I knew was that he left me with no choice but to bring upon an option I just knew that would not only hurt me so badly with even just a consideration, but also be the biggest regret of my life. But as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures and I was indeed in a state of desperation.
“Then you leave me with no choice..” I breathed in heavily wiping the tears that were now flowing down my cheeks again, my voice quivering and my hands shaking, “If you don’t stay here, I’m breaking up with you.”
Writers note: hi everyone!! i’m so sorry for the incredibly long delay! i fell sick and uni became crazy busy but i’m back now! to make up for it i made it super long and i hope i didn’t disappoint. just want to quickly say a bigggggg thankyou to those who still checked back on my Tumblr to see if I updated, it means so much that you take time out of your day to do so! i love you all so bloody much ok! xxxxx
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